4 Simple Principles to Parent with Grace
Sisters, imagine the following. Picture someone you deeply admire or respect. Imagine being nervous to approach this person about what could be a difficult conversation. Imagine knowing that perhaps, the conversation could mean admitting that you dropped the ball or made a mistake. Now see yourself summing up the courage to start speaking. What do you imagine their response would be? May I put a perspective into your mind? Instead of picturing them angry, picture them turning to you in wisdom, and lending their ear to you in kindness and guidance instead. What a beautiful and empowering outcome that would be. Imagine how much more confident you would be to continue in your growth in the relationship itself.
I’ve set the stage this way because the Hebrew definition of the word grace is quite eye-opening.
“The word 'grace' literally means 'favour.’ In Hebrew, it is CHEN from the root word CHANAN - to bend or stoop in kindness to another as a superior to an inferior!”
When I read this, the lights started flickering and I started playing my favourite game (I have played this since childhood which is why I love researching and writing as much as I do). I started connecting the dots. While there is no hard and fast rule to parenting, the last 20 years of focus on parenting has created the space to allow guiding principles that have been well researched to emerge. I believe these principles allow us to parent with Grace.
Let’s get clear on a couple of things first: while grace certainly doesn’t mean there are no consequences or rules and while it doesn’t mean allowing your children to get away with whatever they want, it allows us to change our perspective and approach when raising our children. It allows us to view our children as having our “favour;” it allows us to ‘bend’ in kindness to the little ones we brought into this world and while we may yet reprimand or discipline, it allows us to do so in wisdom, love and kindness. While there are times you erupt with anger or want to sell your kids on eBay (I’m just kidding but let’s be real now), it doesn’t have to be an ugly confrontation every single time. What I keep in mind is the vision I have of what I want my relationship with my children to be like at the various stages of their lives. I want us to build a relationship of trust, respect and safety. This brings me to the first principle.
The “moral” of the story.
We formulated a habit and saying in our home. The truth may get you into trouble if you did something wrong, but lying about it will get you into even more trouble. My cousin asked me recently if my children lie. When I thought about I realised they are sometimes hesitant to tell me the truth, but they always do and I believe it’s this saying that has been their grounding. Grace to me in this area, therefore, means creating a haven, to be honest, explaining that there is a consequence and then following through on the consequence or discipline. It also means demonstrating that we love them regardless. There are non-negotiable factors like morals and values that your children can only know if you teach them. Grace means having the patience to teach them. It’s far from easy when you’ve been working or cleaning the house and you just want a moment’s peace. The reward is long-term so sis, we have to try.
Get Curious
One of the greatest principles I have learnt in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Techniques is the value of curiosity. Since learning about it, my bursts of anger have subsided considerably. More often than not, we don’t know the reason behind why someone has acted or behaved in a certain way. Ask your kids why? Chances are likely that they will take a while to respond. But, this is a very practical way of teaching children to think about their actions. They may say “I don’t know why I did that.” Ok, so think about it...I have noticed a growth in my eldest daughter in particular in that she is more aware of why she is doing what she is doing.
Forgive
Children are so quick to forgive us. They don’t understand the unnecessary concept of holding a grudge. I say that because holding grudges only hurt the bearer of the grudge. Everyone has enough to deal with. Don’t traumatise your children further by being unforgiving. Their little hearts and minds don’t grasp the concept, it only reinforces hurt and I don’t believe parents want to purposefully hurt their children.
Say Sorry
I believe demonstrating grace must also come from teaching them to have grace. This means that we should be quick to apologise if we’re wrong. I have always believed in this. If we show children the value of how to apologise and try to do better, they will grow into adults who find apologising and trying to do better easy. Imagine a world in which people were quick to apologise and quick to forgive?
There are so many ways to demonstrate grace. These are a few that have proved invaluable to me. I pray they are a guiding light for you too.
By Kim Jansen