Lowdown on Love under Lockdown
If there was one time to protect that which is precious, this is it. If you read the word “precious” in a Smeagol/Gollum accent, then cheers to you Lord of the Rings fanatic. But, on a much more serious note, the lockdown has brought many couples into a space that they may not have been in since their honeymoon. Unlike the bliss of a planned honeymoon that couples look forward to, this lockdown was unexpected, bringing a tremendous amount of unexpected stress with it. Many businesses have slowed down - ushering in financial pressure; work might still be continuing and couples need to afford one another the courtesy of navigating working from home. Throw children into the mix, with homeschooling for added entertainment, along with household chores and, if you’re not actively preparing for this or not being present, a volatile situation may occur. However, like a caterpillar emerging as a butterfly after much time in isolation from its cocoon, your relationship can emerge stronger and more beautiful.
Show up as your best self
The best place to start is always with self, and not in an indulgent sense at all. What are you doing daily that allows you to show up as best you can. I’m not saying you need to be flawless with an unwavering smile. What I am saying is: practice the self-care. You don’t need anyone’s permission for some time, but in a relationship, you need to negotiate it. Communicate when you need some time out and fully immerse yourself in it.
Have critical conversations (proactively)
I am not referring to the barrage of words that pours out in an argument. Communicate expectations. If you need to be online for calls, let your family know so that your partner can take care of the kids for that time, or work in a separate space. This may sound obvious but if you need help cleaning and maintaining your home, ask. Many couples in South Africa are fortunate enough to have housekeepers, making the need for either person to deep clean very rare. One of you may be a stay at home parent, this doesn’t mean you don’t need help...ask.
Approach all conversations respectfully and when you’re both relaxed. Remember who the person is that you fell in love with, not who you expect them to be. On the note of expectations, creating a schedule is absolutely vital. Alternatively, just a simple task list will help.
List makers unite...schedule your day
Check-in with one another every day while the day’s events are fresh; discuss what worked and what didn’t and make adjustments accordingly until you arrive at a schedule that works. This also leads to de-compressing conversations. PS. Psychology Today is one of the many platforms that demonstrates that men are practical and when women talk, they often aren’t asking for a solution just yet, but empathic listening. Help your partner understand how best you need to be supported when offloading. Having said this, stay present and focus on the good things about one another.
There are already so many unfulfilled expectations. We’re living in a time when people are criticising constantly. Don’t attack or criticise your spouse, especially when they are trying to help. If you ever needed to practice focussing on the good things about your spouse more than you have before, now would be it. Constant criticism only breeds contempt. When you focus on the good things, these are the attributes that will come to the fore.
In the words of the legend Barry White...Get it on. Set up those dates
Anxiety can affect intimacy. It’s an important part of the relationship and can be comforting during this time. It may take effort, but try not to bring the external anxiety into your intimacy with your partner. Even if it’s only 45 minutes every other day, have a date. Pour a glass of something fabulous and talk about what you’re reading; talk about your favourite memories together and dream about the future together. Dreams are not on lockdown so get creative and create a vision board or re-visit one that you may have created. This releases tension that was forced on you by external circumstances, often opening the door for healthy reflection and adjustment in your relationship.
Wear those different hats with finesse girls, and get yourself an invisibility cloak.
Remember those moments when you’re at work and snap at a colleague because of work pressure. The same is true for our partners. We may find ourselves snapping at one another because of the new role of the school teacher or work. Let your partner know when your work hat is on. Take a leaf out of the pages of Harry Potter and decide on what your “invisibility cloak” is. When you’re wearing it, you’re not home. Your language and tone with your colleagues or clients is very different from when you’re engaging with your family. Taking the time to actively change the hats you wear. It creates obvious markers in your mind that you’re now in partner or mom mode, which leads to making the time to decompress. I took 45 minutes in my car because the girls were all over the house and I just needed a moment to breathe. Breathing space allows for healthy reflection. Reflection and silencing the urge to respond in defensive anger will help your relationship tremendously.
Upon my own reflection, I decided to approach some ladies from the End Girl Hate Sisterhood and loved what they had to share.
Sisterhood Wisdom
Apologise and move on. Let it go. Your relationship is worth more than dwelling on issues that can be resolved easily. Honestly, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Accept your spouse and play to one another’s strengths. If you dwell on their weaknesses, that’s all you’ll see. If you focus on what they do right, your relationship stays in a good space.
Yes, we are splitting responsibilities but understand whoever has capacity at the moment, and step up to the plate and carry the extra when you see your partner can’t. The partnership is more than 50/50 responsibility but carrying one another when needed.
Laugh purposefully. Whether it’s reading something hilarious together or watching something funny. Laughter really lifts the atmosphere and can diffuse tension.
Give one another a free pass. Some days will mentally and emotionally be worse than others. Actually a lot worse. Agree that while you won’t take advantage of one another, you will give one another the grace you need to get through those days.
I’ll admit it’s not always easy, so the biggest lesson I’m learning is to be kind to myself and my husband. The lockdown is ineluctable, but don’t allow it to happen to you. Ultimately, looking after your relationship in a healthy manner is really in your hands, and knowing how you respond to everyday life and managing that, gives you the ability to design the relationship you want, even during the lockdown.