Caring for self while caring for others

“In order to live a fulfilling life, you must do as much (if not more) for yourself as you do for others. Sometimes we spend so much time caring for the next person we neglect to invest in ourselves. Remind yourself every day: Your needs, your aspirations, your success, and your goals also matter. It’s ok to be a shoulder, cheerleader, friend and support system; but remember, you deserve as good as you give.” Liz Faublas: Award-Winning Anchor, Reporter and Producer

A couple of years ago, reading something like this would have brought tears to my eyes...ok yes, I teared up slightly just reading this again because it resonates deeply with me. In fact, it should resonate deeply with you too. It may make you uncomfortable; it may move you to tears or it may even make you angry. Yes, angry! The whole reason it could make you angry is that it’s a trigger...a trigger that reminds you that somehow you KNOW that only you are responsible for caring for yourself. Only you can create time and truthfully, only you can create the space for it. 

Let’s deal with first things first. Putting ego aside, technically the world - including the people we love most - will continue with their lives if we aren’t around for an hour or two. I’m  notorious for believing it is my job to rescue everyone and I’ve tricked myself into believing “they all need me.”

At the risk of sounding nonchalant, “they” don’t need us at every second of every day. We have talked ourselves into this. We have created an expectation and continued a narrative that does not serve us as women. Family and commitments will never stop needing our time, attention and care...this is what we signed up for and when you think about it in gratitude and think about the faces of your loved ones, aren’t you grateful that you are at the helm, able to show them how to love one another and themselves best by caring for yourself too? So I say, change the narrative and do it with love. 

So where to from here? How do we move into a space of self-care in the midst of all

Our other commitments? I’m happy to share how I try to do this personally.

Accept that you are worthy

This is how you were designed. You don’t have to strive for worthiness, it’s already in you. Affirmations may sound “airy-fairy” but trust me, when you’re saying something out loud, the energy and atmosphere changes and you start entrenching these values and beliefs more.  

Take a note from a mirror and reflect and then communicate 

Reflect and journal more (we have the time, just give up 30-60 minutes of scrolling time and you’ll see how much time you have). Journalling allows you to think deeply about your day and how you showed up in your day. Think about what set you off; what you liked and did not like about how you showed up. Then work out how you’re going to change what you can. This is such a beautiful way of demonstrating that we have the power to change too much for ourselves and that life does not just happen to us - it’s life designed by us

A great way to do this is when you’re on the school run, for instance, I will get to the school sometimes 20 minutes earlier and take the quiet time to write down my thoughts.

Honestly, give yourself permission. You would be surprised at how understanding partners can be. Just let them in on the time you need. I’m a techie but I love to journal with pen and paper -it’s cathartic and does not allow for distraction so I keep my journal on my bedside table and jot down just before bed. 

Re-visit you

There is a misconception that when we get into relationships or start a family, that it is all-consuming and while it may feel that way initially, you are not meant to wholly lose yourself. Family and relationships are a beautiful aspect that forms part of you, but they are not your identity. 

I have always loved reading and going to the movies alone, so I made time for it. You are meant to be a whole individual within a whole relationship. If it was strolling around a mall, do that for yourself. Your partner may also then be reminded of what is good for them as individuals and this will be healthy for both of you.

Soak it all in

A long relaxing bath allows you to quiet your mind. Toss in those fizz balls you got for your birthday six months ago. The world will wait 20 minutes for you (add in Epsom salts and suddenly you’re detoxing at the same time too).

Exercise

The majority of my time is behind a computer screen as a copywriter and content creator. Gone are the days when we walked to school or even to the shopping centre 900 metres away. I’m convinced that the lack of movement has impacted negatively on us all and I didn't see it till I saw how much happier I once I started exercising. Weight loss might have been the reason I started, but it’s not the reason I continue. 

You don’t even need a gym membership. I received amazing training from Wardah Hartley (Fabufit) and still try to get to her group classes, but due time and schedules, I train at home. There are incredible free online courses or in the words of Wardah: “we underestimate how much good walking does for us.” I’ve found it clears my mind and my decision making becomes clearer. It’s also become something the girls love to join me in and it becomes a bit of game time (normally they stick around for 5 minutes before they wander off and leave me to 45 minutes to exercise alone)

See that line? That’s my boundary.

Why have we been conditioned to believe that boundaries are bad? They can be set with love and respect for the people you love and respect. NO is a HEALTHY word. This is an entirely separate topic but a few tips for boundaries in a healthy relationship are: 

Be self-aware so that you know what you want and be specific and direct. For instance “Once I’m done here in the next 20 minutes, I’ll be happy to chat about your day.” The self-awareness is important because when your partner asks if you’re ok, you’ll answer truthfully, opening the door for greater connection and conversation that is meaningful at a time when you need it most. 

Do it for you

If you love getting your hair done or your nails done, don’t kid yourself into thinking its for your partner. It’s ok to admit that it’s for you. Look good for you and set the time to do it. There will always be sacrifice and compromise, so if it’s the fact that your partner collect the kids from school on a Friday so that you can have a couple of hours to “pretty yourself up;” or arranging for transport to collect them so you have an hour available, it would be worth the sacrifice. 

You’re also a grown woman...get out and get that glass of champagne, a slice of cake or ice cream cone, alone. Who’s consent are you waiting for?

Realistically, I can tell you it may seem foreign initially and I cannot guarantee that a partner will understand at the outset, but I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt. It may even feel odd for you, but it takes practice and consistency.

We are meant to adapt and your family will adapt to what you will and will not allow, especially when you’re implementing changes in love, and they will learn to do the same in future. I love how author, professor and feminist  Gloria Jean Watkins - aka ‘Bell Hooks’- sums it up:

“If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them,"

and the only way we can give them self-love, is to demonstrate it.

Kim Jansen