Are you saying what you need to?

According to the Gottman’s Institute, every healthy relationship has a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. So for every fight, there’s five good things you can celebrate about your partner.

But there will be fights.

Something that I’ve noticed is how we catastrophize fighting when it’s so normal. But then I realized it’s because we are so uncomfortable with ‘negative’ emotions. The mere fact that we have group some emotions ‘negative’ is indicative of the social conditioning around feelings. We’ve been taught to believe that happiness exists only along positive feelings and the moment that is marred by something like confusion or annoyance, we immediately assume that our happiness is under threat. And this is why people sweep matters under the rug, swallow their words and pretend their feelings are wrong or ignorable.

However, emotions are non-negotiable. What we suppress today manifests as illness tomorrow. The tough conversations we choose not to have today create a vacuum for resentment and tension that no one is willing to address because there is so much to unpack. All in all, by choosing temporary comfort, we resolve ourselves to long term dysfunction.

So many of us come from families that swept things under the rug which is why we do it. Not having a model of how to navigate difficult conversation leads one to repeating the same behaviour that they found to be dysfunctional solely because they don’t know how to go about the healthier route and nothing is more intimidating than the unknown. So what now? Are we doomed by our upbringing?

I have good news and ‘awww man’ news. The good news is, no, we are not doomed to live the lives we saw our parents live and handle things the way they did because of our awareness. Being aware that something is amiss and needs to change is the first and one of the most important steps to changing it. Here comes the stuff you don’t want to read, you are going to have to roll up your sleeves to change this learned behaviour and it all starts with how you relate to your feelings.

We often shy away from tough conversations because of how we feel about them. Not knowing how to deal with the anxiety that comes from the statement “we need to talk” and the anticipation of this scheduled conversation is enough to have you lie about your own feelings just to placate the situation. By rushing emotions we don’t want to feel, we’re basically saying to ourselves “I cannot handle this feeling” which in turn makes the brain think, feelings similar to that which you’re consciously avoiding, are greater than what they really are. You start making monsters of your feelings and everyone has a monster they’re scared of.

It’s our job to de-escalate unpleasant feelings before they overwhelm us. We need to learn that we choose how we relate to our feelings and as a result, how we relate to ourselves and this further translates to how we relate to other people. When we don’t hold space for uncomfortable feelings then we won’t make room for tough chats and saying all that needs to be said.

We are allowed to feel intimidated by fear but not crippled. The most important thing to remember about courage is, it’s not the absence of fear that makes us courageous but rather the presence of fear and trepidation and the willingness to still proceed with whatever it is you set out to do. We must say everything we need to say, when we need to say it regardless of our fear of what will come after because that is what living authentically actually means.

A very good friend of mine said to me, “whatever lies on the other side of the truth, is what’s best”. You will only know what the truth is, when you dare to tell yours. 

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