Embracing Change, Trust and Vulnerability

Joy in relationships initially sparks thoughts, of fun, happiness and laughter and these are undoubtedly true. As I thought about essential conversations to have in our relationships that explore and create space for joy, there was a very particular word that sprang to mind when I considered the notion of joy and relationships. That word is change. Linked to the notion of change is trust and vulnerability which is critical in the relationships that mean most to you. All of these aspects are crucial to the conversations that come up, or that we create, in relationships that mean the most to us.

Starting any conversation with people you love should always be from a perspective of trust and vulnerability, particularly when it comes to your partner or spouse. That’s a good place to start actually. Maintaining joy in your relationships means communicating often where you’re at and how you’re changing, particularly if you have been in a relationship for some time. 

When I became a mother, many things about me changed. How I wanted to socialise changed. How I viewed our roles in running the household changed. Silently, without recognising that I had changed, resentment and frustration crept in, which ultimately drain a relationship of the joy it deserves. When I understood what I needed, I chose to trust my husband and trust what we had built, allowing myself to be vulnerable, he understood how I had changed. 

Moment of truth...it will often be more than one conversation. If we’re brutally honest with ourselves, how many times have people spoken to us about something they would like us to address? We don’t get it right overnight, so despite the frustration, stay incredibly in the moment when the frustrations come up to stay calm. We went from having volatile conversations to having really constructive kind ones when we actually just needed help or needed things to be changed. Oh and while we’re here, don’t become judgemental in these conversations. Steer clear of statements like “you never do…” or “how many times must I ask…” this literally makes both parties feel awful. When you breathe and sit with the moment of frustration kick off the conversation with: “I see that you’re trying to help me, thank you for the times you’ve taken the initiative to…but this is what I’m sensing right now, tell me if I’m right or a bit off.”

It didn’t take long before the laughter, kindness, ease and joy in our relationship to grow once more. Once we understood how crucial it was to know how we are changing as individuals, we could navigate the change with love and respect and respond well to it. And yes, we are often having these conversations but about different areas. Remember, we’re continually evolving. 

Similarly, discussing the tough stuff from a place of non-judgement and a willingness to resolve any conflict. We’ve seen that once we set a goal, we will work towards attaining it. If you work towards resolving conflict, chances are that it will be resolved. The tough conversations are not about blaming, but listening and understanding. Make it a priority to discuss intimacy, finances, situations that may be causing conflict (like whether or not you agree with how the children are being disciplined) and importantly, verbalise the resolution. 

Honour the dreams you have. Being vulnerable with one another means that you share your hopes and dreams. These conversations are a beautiful way of honouring the person that you’re committed to. Often, everyday life and the stresses that come with it cloud our vision somewhat and we forget that our person is the person with big dreams and hopes. Sharing that with them takes courage, enhances intimacy and is a beautiful way of sustaining igniting happiness. 

Understand that as you’re evolving, other people are too. This includes girlfriends and sisters in our lives. Once we understand this, gentleness and tolerance become vital in maintaining joy in the sisterhood. For instance, understanding that a friend may be furthering her studies means that when she turns down the coffee dates or takes a while to respond to a message, it’s probably not about you. 

Her plate is full and seeing this is when compassion sets in and the ability to “let it go” allows for the time you do have together to be even more meaningful. 

As our kids grow, our plates actually become fuller. I was once called out for “being caught up in motherhood.” Was I? Yes, I was. Was it wrong? Not particularly, but I hadn’t had the conversation and my girlfriend couldn’t relate because she hadn’t had children yet. 

So how did the conversation go. I apologised, not because I thought I was wrong, but because I assumed she understood. I apologised for the neglect she must have felt and acknowledged her hurt. I then launched into “this is how my life has changed.” I’ve found that revealing where I am at or a simple face-to-face opens the door to check-in and set expectations in an easy-going manner helps sustain the joy in your friendships for years. When it comes to professional relationships, check-ins are an excellent way of meeting work expectations. 

We spend so much time with the people that we work with, it’s easy to assume that they “get us” or we become too familiar. I maintain that although I have the privilege of working with friends or have clients who have become friends over the years, I serve them with honesty and integrity as I would any other professional relationship. This happens when you have conversations that set expectations. 

Never leave anything to assumption. Once these are clear, the working relationship becomes an absolute pleasure. Drawing boundaries are important, especially in an era of working from home. As a writer, I spend many evenings writing because of the quiet, but for many people in office jobs, responding to whatsapps or texts at 23:00 when your offices are technically closed can start feeling abusive. 

Oh and yes, we all go the extra mile, but there is a limit. I changed this by simply not reading the messages if they came through at ridiculous hours and when I knew the job didn’t require that level of attention at that point. When I am working on campaigns or productions, we work late nights, but then we’re all on the same page and I have prepped my family too. 

Professional working relationships need a professional approach. Send a formal email asking for time to discuss work expectations. Note it down in email afterwards and thank your clients or employer for their understanding and time. Also, know that enforcing those expectations thereafter will take effort initially and reminding, but it will take root. 

All of these conversations have had something in common. They all face the change that’s about to take place; they all require trust in yourself and the other person and they all require a level of vulnerability in order to grow and move forward. Growth always creates space for joy!

By Kim Jansen