How can we hold space for each other?

The term ‘holding space’ is used quite often in the world of wellness, spirituality and personal development. Many of us can scramble together the jist of what it means but do we know how to hold space for someone? And also, do we know when to do it? I want to look at these questions and try to answer them. I also want us to think about moments when we need someone to hold space for us. 

The concept of holding space is usually tied to difficult emotions. If you aren’t a pessimist, allowing someone to feel happy in your presence isn’t hard. In fact, you gravitate to spaces that are filled with positivity because it’s enjoyable to be immersed in that energy; however, when it comes to tough emotions, we want to bail. Why? Because we don’t know how to sit with negative emotions. We feel stuck, sad and uncomfortable in sharing these negative emotions. The vulnerability of it all can be daunting so I’m going to share tips on how to hold space for someone in their time of need. 

1. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable

May this be understood very quickly: someone else’s pain, sadness or opposing views can and will make you feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean you should turn away, it means, get comfortable with the feeling of discomfort.

2. Practise loving-kindness

Loving-kindness is a term rooted in Buddhist tradition however it does also appear in other religious and secular traditions. It refers to the cultivation of compassion and love for someone in the moment. 

3. Listen just to listen

Often when listening to someone, we do so to gather enough data in order to form a response. We listen for the purpose of replying and not really allowing someone to just empty their heart. When attempting to hold space, give the person the floor and reserve your opinions until they’re requested.

4. Practice absolutely no judgement

This is easier said than done but when done, destroys the sense of safety needed for open and honest conversations. This goes for yourself and for whom you’re holding space. Instead of judging, get curious. 

5.  Watch your breathing

Our breath controls and affects many things in our body. Remembering to breathe is critical. Make sure that you are not holding your breath when you’re shocked as that will force your brain to stop processing the information you’re getting. Checking that you are breathing sounds a bit looney but it’s actually an effective way to make sure you remain grounded. It will also help you stay connected to your own body, which is the most powerful tool you have in assessing your connection to the other person and to yourself.

6. Have unconditional positive regard

Similar to loving-kindness, unconditional positive regard is the practice explained by 20th century humanist psychologist Carl Rogers. Unconditional positive regard is a practise in which a person holds another with absolute regard. He regarded this as the foundation to any and all therapeutic relationships attempting to facilitate healing. This practice rests on the knowledge that no matter what the person has done or who the person is, the listener holds them with deep respect, compassion, and positive regard.

7. Don’t try to fix it

This is very important and could possibly determine whether someone will return to you for comfort when in need. Remembering that listening to someone is in itself being of service is important because sometimes we tend to think that when someone lets us in on their struggles, that’s an invitation to try and solve them on their behalf and this is far from the truth. We need to learn to let people offload without letting our discomfort push us into overstepping and over-functioning. 

We won’t always get it right but the more we practise, the better we will get at it. Remember that we don’t only hold space for other people but we too need to learn how to hold space for ourselves in order to heal and become the best versions of ourselves.

Written by @PhemiSegoe