Remember: To Thine Own Self Be True

To Thine Own Self Be True...In So Doing, You’ll Create A Tribe For You!

She was only 18, excitedly taking the bus to university on her first day of Orientation Week. The bus was empty, a young lady, probably the same age as its single occupant. Instead of claiming any one of the empty seats, she plonked herself next to the girl and introduced herself. 16 years later, they are still close friends. The excited 18-year-old was me and the rather surprised, introverted girl on the bus was my friend Candy Campbell (Candy if you’re reading this, I still love telling this story). I’ve known hundreds, if not thousands of people because of school, university and my line of work. Yet, over the years, my circle has remained rather steady (with a couple of very minor changes because some relationships are seasonal). I like it that way. 

I’m a bit of a unicorn. While love touching hearts and engaging with so many people, be it online or in person. On the other hand, I have a handful of friends and cousins who have remained my confidantes, my safe spaces for more than 10 years. They bring me so much joy, truth, wisdom and perspective. They know my family and me intimately and it is a privilege to be in a relationship with them. They are...my tribe. Until this moment, I haven’t really thought about it. When I meet new people, I often get told I have an incredible community and I’ve been asked HOW?

It’s on the Inside

As I sit and observe, I believe this is where it starts. I mean even in the scriptures it teaches us to “love our neighbour as we love ourselves.” Self-love is ancient wisdom. Once you get the crucial inner relationship right, you will start building relationships based on that.

To thine own self be true

This goes hand-in-hand with loving yourself. Once you embrace the truth of who you are and who you want to be, you will know, unreservedly, who the type of people that you want to call your tribe? This is when you can almost “sense” them. It starts however with knowing the type of people that you want to build your life with and the type of people with whom you can be vulnerable. 

Understand what a “tribe” is

I think this is sorely overlooked. Just because you know someone, doesn’t mean they are part of your inner circle...your tribe. While a tribe is truly your definition thereof, from a human intimacy and connection aspect, I believe a tribe has certain attributes. For me, they are the ones who bring out the best in you. 

Shared Intimacy

There’s a definitive shared intimacy of the inner circle. They help you evolve into the best version of yourself. While there is fun and laughter, there is truth, sincerity and the safety to give you feedback and perspective, even if it’s things you don’t want to hear. All of this for me has come to mean non-judgemental engagement, acceptance of who you are and who they are. It’s the unspoken understanding and exchange that when they don’t text back immediately or even for a couple of days, you know it’s not because you don’t mean anything to one another but that you or they are caught up in life at that moment. For me, your tribe supports your spiritual and mental well-being. Your tribe will offer their love and support with kindness and compassion. 

There’s freedom in the friendship to love and be loved. There is learning, beautiful discussion, watching something together in silence or reading together in silence. It’s the liberty to be “21-year-old girls” when you’re alone together even though you’re nearing 40. It’s mentorship and growth. For me, my personal tribe knows my children and I know theirs. They know and love my family and we do life together. My tribe offers random acts, messages and calls of love. Our lives weave and intersect on so many levels and as we journey through life, there’s a deep knowing that you may be apart for a little while, but you will come back together. 

Ultimately, there is a beautiful exchange of energy within your tribe that persists, even after the tough conversations that make you all better for it. 

More than one Tribe?

I also have a couple of tribes other than my personal friends and family, know which is which. My business tribe may not hang out with me and my family, but they create a safe space for me in my business and guide me there. I have a self-mastery tribe who are with me on my coaching journey and know every aspect of me and observe, giving their feedback and supporting my journey. I believe these are key to also understanding who is in your life and why. 

Staying in flow

Yes, there is much to unpack on this topic and I feel like we’re just scratching the surface, I’ll sign off with the following. Relationships require work, but it’s the kind of work that fuels you and fills your soul. Your tribe leaves you feeling energised when you part, even though the challenging days. When you’re with your tribe, things aren’t forced and even with the uncomfortable convos that you’re bound to have, there’s a sense of safety.

The one thing that has served me well is being a friend. Be yourself unapologetically and show up for your tribe, within the boundaries that are important for all of you. 

“Self-knowledge should be your compass,” that’s where it all begins. 

by Kim Jansen