The Woman Behind The Mother
Nothing could ever prepare you for motherhood. Yes, our own mothers, aunts, friends, sisters and books have advice and experience that’s invaluable...but the moment that little life is outside of you, the depth of their dependence and the responsibility is both an honour and overwhelming. The day mother is born is indescribable, and its depth is unlike anything I have ever known.
There’s a lot to unpack here that I won’t get into right now. However, I would like to focus on you...the woman behind the mother. As mentioned in my previous blog post, I sincerely believe that we embody the spirit of a mother so effortlessly at different stages in our lives as women. There are also different stages of motherhood (a story for another day perhaps). What’s crucial though is understanding that being “mother” is not all you are. As honourable as this title (in whatever capacity) is, truthfully, you are more than the title or the role you play.
I remember the day I became a mother to my first-born daughter Keziah. As we left the birthing clinic, my midwife looked at my husband and said…” every single day for the next 3 weeks, you will take your daughter for an hour, either split into 30-minute sessions or a full hour. Run her a bath or leave her in a beautiful clean bedroom with her favourite magazines or where she can watch something. She must not see the baby nor hear the baby. You will deal with all of it for just an hour so that your wife remembers who she is, on her own, without being a mother or wife.” That was probably the best advice she gave us (and she is blessed with so much wisdom).
With support from my husband and my mother, that time alone became precious to me. I remember crying at one point because my husband booked a surprise lunch date with one of my besties that would take me away from my daughter for 2 whole hours (this was about 30 days in). I felt my heart would break without her...but it didn’t. While my mind and conversation drifted back to her, that moment with Nicole is rather vivid in my mind because she was there to connect with me and hear my thoughts, my views, my jokes and more.
More importantly, it shaped how we structured our lives. While there is no right or wrong, it had set the premise for me remembering that I am “Kim” first. As a result of that time, we enjoy taking our kids out with us who have adapted. It may seem harsh to some people, but while we make many sacrifices and investments for our girls, our lives do not revolve around them solely. My daughters have learnt that just because I have another priority at that moment, it doesn’t mean that I love them less or do not care. The seed planted by Sister Phindi Mashini’s words, has taken hold in my heart for one particular reason.
I would do anything for my girls. Work day and night if it means giving them a better life. Shut myself off from all else except them to show them the depth of my love. But over the past few years, I have learnt that one of the greatest ways I could demonstrate my love for them, was to love myself.
You see, loving yourself requires knowing who you are. It requires knowing that your identity is not tied to any label, role, or even our thoughts. It requires accepting and knowing that in this present moment, I am simply who I am.
In the words of one of my favourite authors…“You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness has identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that, but I Am,” Eckhart Tolle
Even in this quote alone, there is much to unpack but the takeaway is simple. Remembering who you are at your most present, most aware brings perspective in how you love yourself to love the family around you better. The woman behind the mother...simply is in that moment, living out her purpose, taking the rest when she needs to and loving herself through moments of victory, through the challenges and knowing that through it all, she is worth living her best life.
By Kim Jansen
On IG @KimJansen777