How good are you at saying ‘no’ without an incessant need to follow it up with an explanation to warrant your inability to do something for someone else? Do you even say it or do you swallow your true feelings because you’re not willing to find out if your connections are strong enough to withstand you choosing yourself?

Self-sabotaging becomes second nature when we make a habit of dismissing how we feel. But nothing raises the steaks like self-betrayal, that occurs when we lie about how we feel in an effort to fit in, to maintain a false image of who we are or to make those around us more comfortable.

My biggest teacher, Brené Brown, calls facing emotions we would rather keep hidden “rumbling” and this word stuck with me. How often do you rumble with your sadness? When last did you bring your disappointment to the table and be open and vulnerable enough to rumble with it?

The truth is, we don’t rumble, we settle. We settle for lives we don’t want to live because we are terrified of what it takes to live the lives we dream of even in our most conscious states. We settle for half-hearted apologies that start with “If I hurt you”. We settle for the same behaviour because it is predictable and even though you claim to hate it, it’s comfortable. We always choose comfort but the cost of courage seems too high. But is it?

Is the cost of courage higher than that of living a lukewarm life? Is facing yourself, and I mean truly facing yourself more unbearable than sleepwalking through your life, wondering how things would have turned out if you had _________ more? The fact is, you get nothing for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give anything to your development then you won’t get anywhere personally.

You might be rolling your eyes because you think this is basic knowledge but when last did you allow someone to cross a boundary because you were worried you would jeopardize your relationship by sticking to your guns? Sometimes, we betray ourselves without a second thought if it means proximity to people we would like to spend more time with and when self-betrayal becomes second nature, courage seems out of reach.

So how does one return to themselves? Is it even possible to be so acutely aware of your own needs that you can truthfully say you always choose courage over comfort? Can you choose courage and comfort? Let’s start with the last question:

Now, to tackle the second question, yes and no. You can build your self-awareness and practise mindfulness in order to consciously notice when you are heading in the direction of any self-destructive behaviour but sometimes, we catch ourselves after the fact and when that happens, that’s when our actions matter most. And lastly, how do we return to ourselves? Well, we listen. We silence our ego and listen to our inner voice. We heed the whispers of our lives but surrendering things that are out of our control and most importantly, we show up as our truest selves.

We won’t always choose courage over comfort because our nature is to seek what is most unthreatening but whenever you want to mask your feelings, agree when you really don’t or laugh at a joke you find offensive, remember this, you are choosing to trade temporary discomfort for long term disfunction.

Written by Phemelo Segoe

Choose yourself not your comfort