Evolving Together
Here’s a thought...what if we were so intentional and deliberate about our growth that we not only grew within ourselves but grew along WITH the people we love? It was in conversation with my husband when this thought first struck (as many of my thoughts do) and we started reflecting on this notion.
I love looking up the meanings of words (I may have mentioned this before) and like most of us, I understand the concept of evolution well enough. To “evolve” is to develop gradually. Evolution is the “gradual process of change and development.” Intentional is “to have a plan or a purpose.” As I read this, every neuron in my brain lights up as I begin to connect the dots.
To evolve intentionally is our purposeful growth and development that takes place over a period of time. Do you realise what this means? You are not the same person you were yesterday, last week, last year or 10 years ago. What’s even better is that from this moment, you can become purposeful about how you develop - perhaps you’ve been developing unintentionally? Equally thrilling is the notion that our partners are not the same that they were and this is the tiny, magical revelation about how our intentional evolution, and including one another in that growth could very well be the saving grace for every relationship we have, hit me right between the eyes.
Ok, before I get ahead of myself, let’s pull it together and breathe for a moment. I am fully aware that the relationships that haven’t worked out weren’t meant too. But, if you’re in a committed relationship at this point, something that needs to be verbalised by both of you is a commitment to grow daily and to be aware of your partner’s growth. I am not the 23-year old my husband married (thank God) and he is not the same person I married. Let’s be honest, relationships are beautiful but hard. But, and this is a big but, I think the “hard” becomes irreparable because we aren’t awake to the fact that we are growing and our partners are growing and 99% of the time, the understanding of where we’re at is misaligned.
When we got married, my husband always said “marrying you was my desire and staying married is our choice.” Well, the young girl I was (after having watched far too many movies and read books that actually created the misperception about what successful relationships are truly about), was devastated because I wanted the image we’re sold “I can’t live without you...you’re my reason for breathing which is why I will never leave you.” Retrospectively, I see how unhealthy this is. As I grew into my own and as we chose to grow in our relationship, I realised that this was the deepest level of respect we could afford one another. The CHOICE to work it out, fix what doesn’t work, grow, to flow, adjust, shift, move...a dance that is continuous, sometimes tripping over our own feet, often passionate, sometimes slow, other times fast-paced, but a dance in which we grow so in sync, that there is a deep sense of knowing someone almost as well as you know yourself. That is the deepest respect we can offer one another, the choice to grow not simply as individuals, but together.
We started a tradition that we initially didn’t realise would have such a profound effect on us. About twice a year, we have dates that are purely to see where we’re at. It was only upon writing this very article that I’ve come to realise that these deliberate “check-ins” were allowing us to actually keep a finger on the pulse of our relationship. Retrospectively, without realising it, what we’ve been doing is discovering how we’re evolving and asking how we match each other’s rhythm and pace. It’s been a saving grace in our marriage because slowly, over time, we have learnt to shed the preconceived expectations and notions we have of one another...we have embraced the fact that we are both evolving. This has allowed us to reflect on our behaviour, our engagement with one another in order to relate to one another better. Deeper conversations every other week, or month have afforded us the space to make conscious choices that would benefit not only ourselves, but our relationship. We engaged not only our emotions, but we engaged our minds and at times it seems intensely challenging, but that’s when the growth happens.
During different phases in our relationships we may grow apart and then together during a different season. This weaves like a vine or a tapestry that forms connection. Like entropy suggests, things naturally fall into chaos and it’s the conscious work and effort that brings order once more and actively aligns everything in the way that you want it to be.
While it is with respect that I acknowledge that many relationships come to an end because there is no other way, (and this may be an unpopular opinion) the world is so quick to tell us to throw a relationship out if he or she doesn’t tick every single box within a few months. For a moment, look at your partner and appreciate the growth they have undergone to become the person they are today. For those of you who are not married yet, recognise when someone not only has the potential to grow, but acts, very consciously, on actually doing something to grow. Potential without action, I believe, will ultimately lead to unrealised dreams and that includes the unrealised dreams of our relationships. Evolution requires action. Darwin said it: those who are most adaptable to change are the ones who survive...in the context of relationships, I would say “the relationships that are most committed to conscious growth (in the same or similar direction), in order to adapt and change, are the ones that survive. Have you ever seen a couple who are dancing who are so in sync, that they seem to communicate with the movement of their eyes, a single head nod or with a certain sway of the hips...their synchronicity is hypnotising. It makes the dance even more beautiful. I believe that given the chance, we will reach a point of synchronicity if we stay consistent and committed to growing together.
I learnt about Neuro-Bio-Psychotherapist, Jaida Simone’s “Erotic IQ” shortly after writing this and it would be remiss of me not to include what I learnt, as it verified what my intuition and thoughts were teaching me. She speaks about Erotic IQ being intelligence in “attitudes, behaviours and perceptions in relationships; the ability to reverse engineer social programming; intelligence in the ability to think, create and behave consciously; intelligence in advancing intimate capabilities and intelligence in self-actualisation that leads to a Plateau Experience.” This plateau experience is what I see as the deep synchronicity between dance partners. She explains that the Plateau Experience (as coined by Maslow) is beyond “being on the same page...” It is when your optimal self is maintained and sustained and when you’re in synchronicity in a relationship, it rises to operate at its supreme best. I mean..this is life-altering.
“We can evolve our relationships to be at its supreme best. Erotic IQ is the evolution of love. Let’s bring our relationships to be successful once again. Let intelligence be the primary core value of your relationship.”
By Kim Jansen