Loving yourself: the fuel that fans the flame of love for others

I couldn’t even say “I love myself” out loud. As silence filled my life coach’s room and tears flowed, I knew I finally had to face the person I kept running from: that person was me. 

I know...you’re hearing it at every turn. It’s become a “buzz term” over the past few years, but unlike many other buzz terms, this one won’t fade. It won’t change as trends do and in fact, it’s an ancient teaching that every generation needs to be taught. Perhaps the following sounds familiar?

“Love your Neighbour as you love yourself.” The book of Matthew

Or perhaps the lesson from Buddha: “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

How about one of the 4 Greek Ancient Pillars of happiness “Eudaimonia” which means good soul. The very concept of this in a nutshell means to be in harmony and in sync with your inner soul in order to live up to your best self. Even if they aren’t familiar, they are hundreds of years old. For those who connect with 21st century gurus (dispellers of the dark), they reinforce these nuggets of wisdom. 

Known as one of the founders of the 21st century “self-help movement,” Louise Hay devoted her life to helping others love themselves. In her own words: “Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.”

Now, as wonderful as all of this sounds, the reality of the modern day women is that self love tends to take a backseat - this is a safe space, you can admit it because I’m admitting it right now too.

Ladies, we are spectacular givers and we are able to “self-sacrifice” better than anyone... but we do so too many times and too often to our detriment (I know you’re nodding your heads as you read this).

As a wife and mother, I’ve become great at sorting out the children, work for my clients, sorting out the household, staying on top of business and being the adoring wife...and in heels while baking a chocolate ganache cake on the side. Truthfully, I often feel as though I hardly get it right. There are many times I know I’m dropping glass balls trying to save everyone and be all things to everyone. The idea of blissful familial relationships seemed only attainable on the Oprah show or while watching Madea save everyone else. It wasn’t until I started life coaching sessions a couple of years ago and until I really started applying the pearls of wisdom I receive from my church community, that I realised that in this entire production, I had neglected the lead protagonist in my life... me! 

You see I believe there’s a reason these enlightened individuals are born into every generation; it’s because we need to be taught. Self-love isn’t something we were taught and let’s be honest with ourselves, by default we are likely to have been taught to critique ourselves to the point where we don’t like much about who we are.

Let’s pause here for a moment. Have you ever said “I love myself” out loud? I hit a particularly vulnerable moment when I was asked whether or not I like myself. I thought I did until the moment when I was asked to say “I love myself” out loud. I couldn’t do it. Why? It dawned on me that I didn’t feel worthy of my own love. I, who had encouraged so many others over the years, had never been honest with how I felt about me. My journey from that moment was life changing (a story for another day) but I knew that if I wanted life to change, I needed to love who I am in the most raw, humble and honest way. No pretences.

How can we give what we don’t understand? How can we expect real, healthy love from our families when we don’t know what it feels like for ourselves.  I strongly believe that on some subconscious level, we have been taught that anything to do with self love is “self-centred, egotistical and selfish.” I didn’t want to be selfish? That’s precisely what self love is not. Self-love is a selfless act that fuels an honest and generous love for those around us. The adage “you can’t give from an empty cup” only now makes sense. How do you give love to your family if you’re empty?

Real healthy love flows from you when you are whole and thriving. It flows into your relationships when you are in synch with your inner soul. It flows when you have had an hour to yourself to recharge while sipping champagne, flipping through a magazine that inspires your creativity or taking a hike through nature. It flows when you can face the woman in the mirror with her wild, curly, kinky hair, with no makeup on and smile because you know that you are worthy of happiness and every good thing you have. If that love stems from a conscious place of wanting to be a better you, it inspires you to help everyone you come into contact with see that they are worthy too. 

Remove the mask and take up the courage to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say “I love you” out loud (thank you to author and Life Coach Louise Hay for introducing me to this practice through her magical book “You can heal your life.”

In the words of revered Maya Angelou “I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect.”

So ladies, be kind to yourself...you give so much. Self-love is not optional...it is a necessity. A necessity that allows you to love those around you better. A necessity that allows you to demonstrate compassion when it is needed most. Practice compassion by starting with you. 

Kim Jansen