Our internal dialogue is a non-ending conversation that starts the moment your brain registers that the day has begun and goes on pause when you sleep. It never ends. It is relentless and persistent, which is why it is important to monitor it and make sure we are not spewing poison at ourselves under the guise of ‘keeping it real’. Our internal dialogue is the best indicator of our sense of self. The way we speak to and about ourselves depicts a clear picture about our self-worth, confidence and self-esteem.

Understanding that we are constantly creating an internal reality before it manifests externally is critical for our development because, while we seek validation and work our asses off to prove our competence, we need to remember just how self-worth works.

To know how self-worth works, we need to understand what self-worth is, yes?

Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough. It is the sense of being worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is not self-esteem. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves specifically relating to what we can achieve. It relies on external factors, i.e. achievements, to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy. Self-worth is an inside job. While it’s important to have a firm understanding of our strengths and areas for growth, it’s equally as important to still be able to feel worthy of love and belonging outside of it all. We need to feel good enough when we fail, when we make mistakes, when we don’t show up, when our to-do lists spill over into the next day. A high self-worth is the acute understanding that no matter what you do or don’t do, you will still be worthy of love; that you are still good enough.

Do you feel this way about yourself right now?

If yes, what is the reinforcing driver to your self-worth?

If no, what keeps you from feeling good enough?

Self-worth is the base of our projections. Since everything starts with us, what we believe and feel about ourselves has a direct impact on our self-esteem, our relationships, our goals and ultimately, our lives.

Research shows that often a low self-worth is the result of difficult childhood experiences. Often experiences that lead a child to believing that they’re not good enough result in the same narrative echoing in their adulthood. These beliefs are sustained by a negative internal dialogue which further enhances the problem.

A low self-worth may manifest in different ways. According to UNCW Counselling Centre, here are a few tells:

They avoid challenges and achieve less in school or work
They become upset or distressed by any criticism or disapproval in personal relationships
- They may bend over backwards to please others
- They are extremely shy or self-conscious
- They avoid or withdraw from intimacy, vulnerability or social contact
- They are less likely to stand up for themselves from being abused or neglected

So how can one rise up from the ashes of a low-self worth to become a happier, whole person?

There are many avenues to take, one being self-compassion. Self-compassion is a great place to start because it helps us build an image of worthiness through self-kindness. Self-compassion is the act of giving ourselves the same grace we afford a friend. It is, speaking kindly and forgiving ourselves the way we do with other people. Through self-compassion, we are able to build a sense of safety within ourselves.

Our self-worth may be an inside job but it is definitely reinforced by external factors like our relationships and even our performance. This is why it’s important to be intentional about the relationships we form and the spaces we choose to occupy.

We may not always feel good about ourselves but we can always know that even on our worst days, we are still worthy.

By Phemi Segoe

Still Worthy: Unpacking Self-Worth