To Friend or Not To Friend? That is the Question
One of the things that light my soul on fire and energise me is relationships. My relationship with my husband and my friends, the people I love are crucial to me. Girl time? I’ll take it. Date night? I’m there. A quiet moment with my mom? Don’t ask me twice! Moments of laughter with my kids? I live for it. The truth is, we were designed to be in communion with one another. We are designed for connection. True connection requires the courage to be vulnerable, and vulnerability can leave you feeling somewhat exposed.
Within the context of relationships or friendships, vulnerability is allowing the person or people you love or do life with to know you fully. It is allowing them to know your thoughts, feelings, weaknesses, challenges and more. It is an intimate space...a space where you are seen and it’s intimate. True vulnerability takes guts because it’s a step of faith to wholly immerse yourself into the relationship, trusting to be accepted, known and loved for who we are. This is why identifying which relationships quell you, is as important as identifying which fuel you and feed your soul.
Ok, I’m bringing in real personal experience here. This is how I’ve identified relationships that deplete me (and yes relationships go through phases, but years of just giving in a one-sided relationship are actually easily identifiable; it just takes courage to let go.
You’re always the one making the effort to stay in touch or checking in. I had a wonderful friend for a number of years but in the last few years of our friendship, the effort was largely one-sided. I felt it in my soul. There was no nastiness, but I knew I was worth investing in. I decided to not reach out for a week. A week turned into a month and a month into six months etc. Perhaps, she didn’t have the courage to tell me she was changing, so I had to let go. There was no ugly parting and when I see her, to this day, I smile, we chat like old friends and I part with no hard feelings. I had to see that for whatever reason, there was no more friendship and gently let go.
You have to fit into their idea of you. Whether it’s for a partner or a girlfriend, the only change that should be happening is from within. You cannot loud yourself into someone’s idea of who you should be. Often, people close to us will give us feedback and while feedback can be valuable, lean in to sense whether the feedback has validity or not, and if not, those who care for you will be open to hearing your perspective without judgement.
Full drama-llama. Life is too short for drama. Someone who invites drama into their lives constantly will more often than not bring you into their drama. Shake it off, don’t be dragged into the drama.
They gossip frequently. While friendships and relationships are safe spaces to vent, good friends will bring you honest perspectives without bringing other people down.
They isolate you from other friends and family. Enough said!
You have an uneasy feeling around them (you can tell when it’s safe) and more often than not, you’re there for them far more than they’re available for you.
Studies have demonstrated that ending a long-term platonic friendship can be as devastating as divorce. There is certainly a grieving process, but you will heal.
These are merely a handful of red flags. So how about we focus on identifying relationships that are good for you? Focus on the ones that ignite your heart and soul. Studies have demonstrated that “Friendships can help you recover more quickly from illness, lower your risk for heart disease, alleviate depression, and even help you sleep more soundly.”
Have you asked yourself what a healthy relationship means? How can you identify it, if you don’t know what it means? A healthy relationship has an undeniably positive influence on your life.
There are shared moments of vulnerability from both sides. This is important because it demonstrates a shared trust to be open with one another.
There’s no possessiveness or territorial behaviour that makes you nervous to build your other friendships or discuss them. I’ve been here and it is not pretty.
There’s a deep respect and boundaries are in place. There’s also an acceptance that doesn’t force you to change into their idea of who you should be.
There’s a flow in the friendship...even through the tough conversations.
An effort to stay connected and interested in one another’s lives exists. There is also a shared understanding when you can’t give at this point. You may have a family or studies and they support these priorities wholeheartedly as you evolve from one season in your life to the next.
For me, there’s a comfort in just being in one another’s presence.
There’s time and effort put in, from both sides. Understand one another’s love languages. Sometimes it may seem like less effort because we speak different languages when the effort may be there and you simply need to see it.
It comes down to valuing self, and as a result, valuing the people that choose to create a bond with us. As one of the leading voices in vulnerability, the unmatched Brene Brown, states “Connection doesn’t exist without giving and receiving. We need to give, and we need to need.”
By Kim Jansen