Backing the Shine Theory
The Shine Theory is a practice of mutual investment with the simple premise that "I don't shine if you don't shine." Ann Friedman together with Aminatou Sow coined this phrase to describe a commitment to collaborating with rather than competing. This theory is especially important for women.
New research in the Harvard Business Review finds that while both men and women benefit from having a network of well-connected peers across different groups, women who also have an inner circle of close female contacts are more likely to land executive positions with greater authority and higher pay, while there was no link found for the success of men in terms of the gender composition of their inner circles.
The study suggests that women face a greater challenge in networking to find professional opportunities – they, more than men, need to maintain both wide networks and informative inner circles in order to land the best positions. Why? Because unconscious biases are very prevalent and women who’ve been there, are the best captains to guide you through the rocking waters. The good news is that by taking the smart approach of cementing yourself in an inner group of women, we can continue to find meaningful advancement options, while helping our peers and younger women do the same.
I love the Shine Theory because it begs the simple logic that, when you shine, I shine. And this squashes competition, dead in its tracks. Even though women are socialized to compete with one other for attention and even advancement, now that we are aware of this social conditioning we can do something about it. So let’s get to it.
How can we silence our ego? How do we amplify the voice within us that wants to celebrate and connect with other women? Here is my list.
Celebrate the achievements of other women
Naturally, when someone else seems to be advancing faster than you, it can incite fear within you. You may worry that you are not working as hard, that you are falling behind or that they have something you don’t. All these narratives take away the opportunity to just be happy and excited for your fellow sister. Instead of allowing your ego to make someone else’s gain about you, choose to shift the focus back on the lady of the hour.
2.Reassure yourself
We seek reassurance in our relationships but forget to give it to ourselves. When we start competing with other women, that’s a classic sign that we are in dire need of some self-assurance. Assuring ourselves in times of low-esteem can look like
“I know I’m not where I want to be but I am much further than where I started so I must be on the right track.”
Also remind yourself that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be - even when it doesn’t feel that way.
3. Make showing love to other women a habit
Hate and jealousy cannot stand love. Love is the antidote to all fear based responses. So whenever you feel yourself shrinking or bolstering faux confidence, show yourself some genuine love. This can either involve using affirmations or some breathing exercises.
Find an integrity partner
When we find ourselves backsliding into toxic behaviour, it’s helpful to have someone who can lovingly remind us that we are not so small. We all need some help along the way so having an integrity partner can be very effective. Make sure that you choose someone who will not shame you but also, won’t feed into negative behaviours.
I completely back the Shine Theory because it speaks to a concept I am consistently teaching; what you do to another, you’re actually doing to yourself. The more love you show another woman, you open yourself up to receiving more love too. I am you and you are me. When I rise, you rise.
You can follow me on Twitter & Instagram @PhemiSegoe for all things love, wellness & personal development.